So I was discharged from the R.N. program. I failed out of the nursing program. I flunked out of nursing. However you want me to put it, it happened and it is still kind of shocking. I really had it chalked up as a good plan for my life and totally believed it. That was March 09, 2012.
March 9th was a difficult day. As soon as I submitted the exam and calculated my test scores, I was a basketcase for the rest of the day. But at first I denied it. I was sure I could get back in. I talked to all the appropriate people. I needed a 70% and I had achieved a 69.3%.
I stuffed in all my emotions so that I could get everything set in my mind. By that evening, there was only one way to look at it and I had accepted it: I failed out. Short by point 7.
By Friday evening, I was 99.3% convinced that I would not go back and would instead build my doula and chilbirth educator certifying experience. And I loved that.
To resolve that point 7 percent that I wasn't sure about, I went ahead and reconfigured my route through nursing school. I also accepted the devil's advocate position my husband took for the first few days. I examined myself. I examined my life and my potential futures. I wrote a detailed pros/cons list and examined that. I had studied for the one exam on March 09, but I had not even in the slightest prepared for all these other examinations that were taking place!! Oh, and I broke down that Friday night. Jonathan held me while I cried and cried in the driveway of my parents' after talking with my mom.
On Monday, I went to a meeting with the chairperson of the nursing program and the other students who failed. That's when I knew I was 99.9% sure of my new plan. I just sat there with a free feeling while she gave us all these papers, new deadlines, expected fees, tests. The others were franticly writing it all down and planning on starting right back up. At least I had them if I were to apply for re-entry. Also, re-entry was contingent on space available and a re-entry committee.
For the remaining point 1 assurance, I talked to nurses that week, OB nurses, and a CNM. As stuck as my 69.3 test average was, all the more was I 100% sure that I was not going back into nursing right now.
So it's April 16th (Happy Birthday to my Gramma Thora Becker). Life has been really, really hard. Instead of just having all this time automatically cut out of my schedule so that I can just show up and keep showing up, I have to fight off internal and external pressures so that I can keep my priorities straight.
The only thing not freeing about this is the fear that I won't always have an easy salary available. I hadn't chosen certified nurse-midwife because of the salary, but along the way, it seemed it was the only option to support Jonathan through medical school. I don't want to damper his path.
I waited to blog because my blog posed a real toughie. What about fruits in the making? of midwifery? I don't know exactly what the fruits are, but I only re-vamped my blog a tadbit. I'm still headed for the same goal, it's just that my objectives have changed.
It is clear to me that nursing was a good path at the time. I doubted only one thing (evident through conversations and past blogs) that I was in some way putting off real life. It would have been good to keep going (mabye), but not going back is only IN FAITH. The Lord honors decisions made in faith. How can I complain about my life if I am habitually making these kinds of decisions? This is what I live for. When I am 100% sure that this life isn't the fullest because I'm holding back on something else, I'll recourse! For now, fighting for my priorities, living for tough things and good things, spending time with now, and trusting in the Lord about the future, this is my chosen course.
Well, speaking of priorities, my sister-in-law is ready for me to attend the birth of their next daughter.
You have got to read my January 18, 2012 blog, if this has passed through your mind: "what in the world is going on with Telcia?" Reading the blog is a good confirmation that my choice to stay out of the nursing program is fitting for me. Feel free to read it either way.
March 9th was a difficult day. As soon as I submitted the exam and calculated my test scores, I was a basketcase for the rest of the day. But at first I denied it. I was sure I could get back in. I talked to all the appropriate people. I needed a 70% and I had achieved a 69.3%.
I stuffed in all my emotions so that I could get everything set in my mind. By that evening, there was only one way to look at it and I had accepted it: I failed out. Short by point 7.
By Friday evening, I was 99.3% convinced that I would not go back and would instead build my doula and chilbirth educator certifying experience. And I loved that.
To resolve that point 7 percent that I wasn't sure about, I went ahead and reconfigured my route through nursing school. I also accepted the devil's advocate position my husband took for the first few days. I examined myself. I examined my life and my potential futures. I wrote a detailed pros/cons list and examined that. I had studied for the one exam on March 09, but I had not even in the slightest prepared for all these other examinations that were taking place!! Oh, and I broke down that Friday night. Jonathan held me while I cried and cried in the driveway of my parents' after talking with my mom.
On Monday, I went to a meeting with the chairperson of the nursing program and the other students who failed. That's when I knew I was 99.9% sure of my new plan. I just sat there with a free feeling while she gave us all these papers, new deadlines, expected fees, tests. The others were franticly writing it all down and planning on starting right back up. At least I had them if I were to apply for re-entry. Also, re-entry was contingent on space available and a re-entry committee.
For the remaining point 1 assurance, I talked to nurses that week, OB nurses, and a CNM. As stuck as my 69.3 test average was, all the more was I 100% sure that I was not going back into nursing right now.
So it's April 16th (Happy Birthday to my Gramma Thora Becker). Life has been really, really hard. Instead of just having all this time automatically cut out of my schedule so that I can just show up and keep showing up, I have to fight off internal and external pressures so that I can keep my priorities straight.
The only thing not freeing about this is the fear that I won't always have an easy salary available. I hadn't chosen certified nurse-midwife because of the salary, but along the way, it seemed it was the only option to support Jonathan through medical school. I don't want to damper his path.
I waited to blog because my blog posed a real toughie. What about fruits in the making? of midwifery? I don't know exactly what the fruits are, but I only re-vamped my blog a tadbit. I'm still headed for the same goal, it's just that my objectives have changed.
It is clear to me that nursing was a good path at the time. I doubted only one thing (evident through conversations and past blogs) that I was in some way putting off real life. It would have been good to keep going (mabye), but not going back is only IN FAITH. The Lord honors decisions made in faith. How can I complain about my life if I am habitually making these kinds of decisions? This is what I live for. When I am 100% sure that this life isn't the fullest because I'm holding back on something else, I'll recourse! For now, fighting for my priorities, living for tough things and good things, spending time with now, and trusting in the Lord about the future, this is my chosen course.
Well, speaking of priorities, my sister-in-law is ready for me to attend the birth of their next daughter.
You have got to read my January 18, 2012 blog, if this has passed through your mind: "what in the world is going on with Telcia?" Reading the blog is a good confirmation that my choice to stay out of the nursing program is fitting for me. Feel free to read it either way.
Of course when I first heard the first part, it didn't exactly sounds like good news. But after chewing on it and discussing it with you, I can say this:
ReplyDeleteSounds great!
I'm sorry to hear this Telcia!
ReplyDeleteI think it is great how the Lord is directing you and how open you are to His direction! I know first hand what a blessing as a doula you are, and I know that the Lord will use you well :)
ReplyDelete